The Unloading Process: Part 1

Part 1: The Rant

Am I running from the things around me or just living my life to the fullest at the moment? I’ve listened to the same three songs on my playlist for about two hours and I can’t bring my finger to change the tunes that are soothing my soul at the moment. Which brings me back to my original question, if I wasn’t running away would my soul even need to be comforted?

In the last nine months I have traveled on average every other month. I have endured horrible sickly bus rides, chaotic plane rides, and the scenic views of train rides. Sh*t the only thing I haven’t been on is a boat! Oh well maybe next month.

At 25 years old, two and a half decades, a quarter of a century, I am going blind like I’m 75, mildly obsessed with why strippers strip, can’t bare missing a day of The View without my day feeling incomplete, and a big show choir freak over Glee. What the hell is all I can say. How do any of those things mix or make sense? I am also questioning my decision to give up journalism. For God sakes I was dubbed to be the next Oprah and Barbara Walters. Every time I see the two of them I feel my throat swell up from me chocking back the tears of what I was destined to be a life time ago. My skin becomes itchy and hot from the anger I have for letting this stupid eye disease take away the bulk of self-esteem I had treasured for over 7 years.  My head begins pounding as my brain searches for the answer of where am I going to end up now? What is my new path…?

My new path, it's too funny just seeing those words on this screen staring at me dead in the eyes waiting for an answer. Shaking my head at all the past chances and lost opportunities out the window. All because I’ve lost my testicularforitude along this journey. Someone help I’d really like my jewels back! I find it crazy that this is the first time I have to admit that, I lost my jewels, lost my voice, lost the grip I had on my past passions. How does one fix such an unfortunate thing? How do I get back to the joy of achievement that I encompassed only six short years ago?

I would like to make it clear that I’m not in any way discrediting my four and a half years of my college experiences- split between two Universities, especially my two degrees, and the experiences I have lived though. I mean I can make half the things you see on Food Network and all these cake/dessert shows, I know why things are marketed to us the way they are. I pledged HARD to be a part of sorority, which in its self has taught me so much about the human race and about myself. I also discovered I have a deep appreciation for the topic of History. And that working at a true camp for four summers of your life can be extremely life changing and valuable to building one’s personality and character.

But even with this I still feel shy and uncomfortable in most social situations. Sigh. Not being able to see the people and places around me have caused me so much emotional pain, which I still haven’t figured out how to fix after six frustrating, painful, shamed years of baring the invisible scarlet A of my disease burning a fiery hole through my half dead heart. No one understands, absolutely no one. Not even the people closest to you, because if you see anything clearly or make out a text message fast all of a sudden your fine and a rapid flow of smart a$$ verbal diarrhea is dumped all over your achievement of the day. Don’t question things that aren’t affecting you. Really, it’s annoying and hurtful beyond what you’ll ever understand. And in the same instance just because I manage just fine 83% of the time doesn’t mean far ahead of me, walk away, or cross the road without this chicken because the reality is I become lost and the likelihood of me finding/catching up to you is as likely as finding a invisible needle in an extra-large hay stack during a tornado in the Ohio valley. 

And since we’re on the topic of friends, let’s dish on this always hot topic. Friendship is such an interesting term. I assume friendship means that we mutually like each other, which doesn’t seem to be the case a lot of the time. I have people claiming me as their best friend that don’t even know my favorite color or my dead father’s name. They also couldn’t possible understand half the things I’ve done in the last five years. Then I have “friends” that easily catch attitudes because we don’t talk every week or month, so when we finally do talk all they do for the first 20 minutes is complain about not talking. Then we have the ones that steal from you literally and figuratively, they steal your time, money, and joy of being yourself. You work hard to fix their problems, yet you barely get a thanks. Then there are the ones you know better than handing your purse to, because you know when you get it back it will be a little lighter, and to make it worst they suddenly have enough money to buy you dinner and drinks. Oh yeah let’s not forget about the ones that tell you all about fun plans they have with your other friends, yet you don’t get an invite, which leaves you feeling upset and left out because you suddenly feel like you don't belong, and when you hint at the invite they act like they don’t hear you. Which brings to mind an old saying, with friends like these, who needs enemies?

And with all this said I still find myself wondering what exactly am I doing with my life? Am I making a difference with my words? Am I changing the lives of the people around me? I guess in some ways I am. I’m a journal to the people that don’t know how to express themselves to anyone else. I'm a human soundboard for those that need to test what they say, before they speak to others about things which may change their course of life. I sit and lend an open ear to people that have no friends, because maybe an act of kindness will make them a little less angry and cold. To some people these things may mean nothing, but to me they do. And until I find a greater purpose, they’re just gonna have to do.